“Please don’t take a turn to negative town.” – Jeremy Grey in Wedding Crashers
The Art of Seduction
Back when I was in high school I was the friendly guy who could get along with almost everyone. Making friends wasn’t a problem, but being more than friends when it came to the opposite sex was an intimidating endeavor for me.
I have always been fascinated by human behavior and as I was getting ready to go to college I was determined to learn as much as I could about social dynamics. Once in college I immersed myself in learning everything I could about psychology and influence. By my junior year, I had built quite a large social circle that enabled me to have a very fulfilling college experience. What I learned outside the classroom would prove to be more valuable to me than what I learned inside it.
Recently I watched “Wedding Crashers” an old favorite movie of mine. While I was watching it I couldn’t help but recognize many of the things I learned from interacting with so many people.
While my attitude towards seduction and influence has changed dramatically since then, I still feel that there’s many valuable lessons for anyone who would like to become more influential.
Now a days I ultimately feel that being an attractive person is not something you do but something you “are”. This deals with mainly learning to be in the moment, because when you are in the moment you are closer to who you intrinsically are. In the moment you are free of many of the persona’s which we all carry within us. Having the persona of a “pick up” artist, or any persona for that matter, can become physically, mentally, and emotionally draining and can cause much inner conflict as you begin to derive your sense of self from it.
Living and staying in the moment your attractive qualities are able to shine through allowing you to have much more enjoyable and natural interactions.
In the remainder of the post I will point out many of the lessons from “Wedding Crashers” that we can apply to achieve a fulfilling social life. While this post is geared mainly towards men wanting to attract a woman, the principles apply to anyone. Master many of these qualities, become aware of them in your interactions, then gradually learn to let them go, don’t become obsessed and identified to your own self image as a Casanova. Just live in the moment.
When you internalize many of these qualities through repeated interactions you can gradually forget about them. Then in new situations whatever you need you will be able to spontaneously respond, because it’s somewhere already stored in your subconscious mind. Let your intuition guide you.
I also suggest you watch the movie once you read this post as its lessons will become more vivid in your mind. It’s also a hilarious movie. I know many of you may say it’s just a movie, that this stuff doesn’t work in real life…In my experience much of it does.
Seduction and influence at this level is all about learning to do hundreds of little things, doing them well, that when executed properly will give you a greater chance of achieving your desired outcome. You also can’t attract everyone, you have to know when to fold your hand. We all have different strengths, find what works for you.
The Main Lessons From Wedding Crashers:
- Storytelling: One of the greatest qualities that Vince Vaughn’s character Jeremy showcases in the movie, is the ability of story telling. Woman aren’t interested in facts or for you to just simply state things in a generic manner. You need to be able to paint a picture in a woman’s mind, you need to speak in a way that arouses her emotions. You need to learn to become aware of your voice and how to use it properly. You may find taking improv lessons, learning about hypnosis, or NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) to be really useful.
Woman: So what do you do?
Me:I’m a writer. What do you do?
Not very interesting right?…Wouldn’t this be a better response….
Woman: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a vagabond who loves to go on adventures and then through my writing inspire and motivate others to live epic lives. It’s what makes me feel alive. How about you?….What makes you come alive? Tell me about it…..(incorporating the right energy and body language for a congruent message)
- Good at asking interesting questions: Everyone asks the same questions. Don’t be like most people….you can ask the same things but just learn to ask them or pose them in an interesting way. Your goal is to become memorable in people minds. Learn to be observant of all the small things. If you can observe all the subtle things about a persons appearance and behavior you can imagine being in their shoes, and then be able to ask interesting relevant questions.
- Good at motivating and encouraging others: People of influence have the ability to motivate and make you feel good about yourself. They are able to elicit your values – the things that are important in your life- and help you get excited about them.
- Exaggerated body language – enthusiasm is contagious: Vince Vaughn, is great with expressing his energy and body language. In a group setting you never want to be the one who lowers the groups energy. Be the one who comes in and raises it. Use common sense, don’t be over the top with it. If the groups energy is at a 5, come in at 6 or 7. Essentially we are energy, so anyone who is overflowing with energy, we are naturally drawn to them. These people are seen as charismatic individuals. Also learning to be more mindful, more meditative, you will radiate a very subtle energy to those around you. I prefer this as it requires less physical energy or feeling that your “putting” on a show. Just learn to be aware of your body and the message it’s conveying to others.
- Perception is reality- creating authority at venues with your social circle: Being professional wedding crashers, they know that perception is reality. Just by using some fake US Military “Purple Hearts” they create the reality they wish. By having deep convictions in their behaviors they establish the frame that others will see them through. If you go to a local pub regularly, learn to be friendly with the whole staff. Leave good tips, learn a little bit about them, take genuine interest in them. Everyone has something to share and you can learn quite a bit by having the right attitude of being open and willing to connect. Then when you have a date, take her to several of the places you frequent. You will be viewed as a highly likable person. This was huge for me in college. I had many friends from a diverse set of backgrounds and interests. I knew many of the bartenders and staff of all the popular hang out spots in my college town. People would always mention to me, that it seemed like I knew everyone. You just need to take interest in other people everywhere you go. One time I was going through the drive-thru at a Wendy’s restaurant I frequented, the employee inside recognized my voice and we started to chat it up. When I pulled up, he gave me a bag of extra food, a nice little perk when you treat others well. So from the woman’s perspective, all these little things that she observes, creates the perception that everyone likes me. And on some level they do, because I like them. I don’t mean to sound like I am bragging, just wanted to share examples from my own life.
- Approach woman in high energy/emotional environments (weddings): Obviously your chances will always be better if the woman you want to approach is already in a heightened and receptive state of being.
- Eye contact is huge: The eyes are doorways to our souls. If you know how to see, someones eyes will tell you so much about them. This is why it’s rude to stare, people feel as if you are invading their privacy, as if your trying to uncover their secrets. Learn to maintain a good level of eye contact. Don’t be creepy and stare. Just a soft natural gaze, as soon as you feel a little tension building break it for a second. I usually pick the right eye to focus my attention on, as it is connected to the right (creative) hemisphere of the brain.
- Being able to adapt to any group of people and environment: One of their greatest strengths in wedding crashing was being able to adapt to any environment no matter how different it was. If you are comfortable in your own skin, you can be anywhere and appear in your element. A daily practice of meditation can help you remain centered in your day to day life or at a high energy party venue.
- Magic with kids: Vince Vaughn uses magic with the kids as a way to draw attention to himself in a positive way. I never got into magic, but I knew several friends who used it to great effect to get in the front door with the ladies.
- Good dancers: You don’t need to be a great dancer, but it surely won’t hurt. Just make sure you have fun. Enjoying yourself and the dance is whats important, don’t focus so much on the girl, as you will project too much interest. Dancing’s greatest strength is getting a woman used to your touch. Getting a woman used to your touch early on is pretty important if you don’t want to get caught up in the dreaded friend zone. I have been there many times, this was my biggest sticking point, it’s not a fun place to be. When they are comfortable with your light playful touching it will be much easier to escalate it without seeming unnatural.
- Sharp Dressers: If you don’t have a good sense of style, just ask several of your girl friends who you trust to help you find a new wardrobe. People are constantly comparing and judging, so always be aware of your appearance and the body language your exhibiting. This is an easy thing to fix, so don’t worry about it. Just take a little interest in fashion and you will find your own style. Sign up for a subscription at GQ, be observant when your on the street and see someone with an item you like.
- Focus on helping others enjoy themselves: Remember it’s not about you it’s about other people. If you focus on giving and making sure others are enjoying themselves, as a by product your needs will also be taken care of. People want to show their appreciation to the people who take genuine interest in them. In college my friends and I would throw many party’s, we focused on showing others a good time, in return they showed their appreciation in any way they could.
- Able to play different roles effortlessly: As Shakespeare said life’s a stage and all the men merely players. When you step back and observe society you can see how we all play different roles throughout our lives. Most people do it unconsciously, they have become too identified to these different roles. They believe it’s who they are. When you understand yourself at a deep level, you can jump in and out of different roles as needed. This can be an attractive quality because you can appear as exciting and unpredictable.
“You know how they say we only use 10% of our brains I think we only use 10% of our hearts” – John Beckwith
- Show you can be vulnerable: Sure, many woman love a strong manly man, but also show that you have a softer side and can connect with them on an emotional level. Today’s man needs to be multidimensio.nal
- Embracing the moment: Carpe Diem “seize the day” ….what can be sexier than that.
- Center of attention: If you have big social circle, and you focus on others having a good time, at any party or event you will be a focal point of attention. Don’t become egotistical about it, just enjoy your self, have fun with others and the woman will take notice. Don’t take yourself seriously.
- Get everyone laughing:You don’t need to be a comedian, just be observant, in time you can develop your own style of wit.
“One day you will look back at this and laugh and say we where young and stupid” –Jeremy Grey
- It’s not quantity but quality: Once you get comfortable in meeting and going out with many woman, you may go over board. At one point in the movie John begins to question whether their behavior of seducing woman at weddings is sleazy. Just remember that your goal shouldn’t be to sleep with dozens of woman, but to find an amazing companion. We are all amazingly unique and complex, and the reality is that for many of us we will need to date dozen’s of people before we truly find someone we can connect with on a deep level.
- Do not sulk: it draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself but on your own terms.
- Speak to them in their own language: One way to get someone comfortable is to speak using their own language. In the movie, the father of the girl John was pursuing loved sailing. So John uses this to his advantage by speaking and embedding his stories with sailing terms.
- What’s our back story = make what you do interesting: For every wedding that they crashed, they made sure they had an interesting back story. Whats your story? Make it an interesting one. Look back on your life, I am sure you have done some amazing things.
- Cold Reading:John displays this skill in a playful way when trying to guess the contents of the weddings presents. Cold reading is a series of techniques used by mentalists, psychics, fortune-tellers, illusionists, and con artists to determine or express details about another person, often in order to convince them that the reader knows much more about a subject than they actually do. Cold readers commonly employ high probability guesses about the subject, quickly picking up on signals from their subjects as to whether their guesses are in the right direction or not, and then emphasizing and reinforcing any chance connections the subjects acknowledge while quickly moving on from missed guesses.
“People helping people it’s powerful stuff”- Jeremy Grey
- Important to build rapport with family and friends: Girls greatly value the opinion of their friends and family. If their friends and family like you, you have won half the battle.
- Move through various locations don’t stay in one spot: If you go on a date try to hit up several venues or activities. If you meet a girl for coffee and chat for 3 hours, when she thinks of your time together it might not be too memorable. Instead go for coffee for one hour, then window shopping for another hour, then finally go to your friends art show. When she replays the evening in her mind it will feel like she’s actually had three mini dates with you. Do this for several dates and she will feel that she knows you longer than she actually does.
- Be a sincere empathetic listener: There’s a big difference between hearing someone talk and attentively listening to someone speak. Many people are caught up in there minds noise, so many people are very poor listeners. The more mindful you become the more your attention will be free and available for the act of listening. If you are listening attentively you will never run out of things to say, they will give you everything you need to keep the conversation going.
- Metaphysical awareness:Woman being highly emotional and intuitive beings will naturally like to speak about topics that evoke these good feelings. Many will be very interested in conversing about spiritual and esoteric topics.
“Your a big hit at this wedding”…..“everyone is so nice it’s easy”
- Don’t bad mouth others: I know this is very difficult, as this is many people’s favorite past time. Try your best not do it, it will get easier the more you refrain from participating in it.
- Be playful..know how to tease: This creates the attractive push pull dynamic in an interaction.
- Logistics (plan ahead):Know where you will be, and if possible have all the logistics figured out. What are some possible challenges? Will it be too noisy to talk? Is there any good restaurants in the area to go after the show?
“Get off your high horse – quit judging people”- John Beckwith
- Don’t judge others: I know how difficult this can be, our minds are hard wired for it. All our minds can do is compare and judge based on all our memories and experiences. This is what thinking essentially is. What you can learn to do though, is to not become identified to your judgments, not give them any power. If you can “see” how your judgments separate you and keep you from understanding that which you are observing, you will see how silly it is to have these superficial judgments. Learn so suspend your beliefs. This requires that you come to understand at a deep level that who you actually are is beyond your thoughts, emotions, and body. You are not your thoughts, but the awareness who is aware of having those thoughts. Ultimately, everyone wants someone to love them as they are. If you can see others with a simple innocence free of judgment, they will feel connected to you. They will feel really comfortable because they can sense that you accept them as they are, they will then open up to you even more.
- Participate in events: Find out what is happening in your town. First find events centered around your interests or just try out random and wacky events. It’s a great way to get out of your comfort zone and meet new interesting people. Use meetup.com.
- Wing-man is important: It’s just a lot easier to work a room with a good friend that’s on the same page as you.
- Being playful: Show that you are able to not take your self so serious. Thumb wrestling and high fives can go a long way when used correctly.
- Don’t lie about who you really are: This was probably the biggest lesson in the movie. Any lie will come back to haunt you. If you want to have a long term and meaningful relationship honesty is best policy, because in the end what really matters is love.